As you might expect, this is not a good foundation for a lasting relationship. A bond of sympathy is built on old hurts. Horror stories are traded back and forth about the previous lover or spouse. By running I’m Helpless, I Suffer, you can often put off change indefinitely.Ī past tense version of this agenda can dominate the early phase of phase of courtship. In all cases, running this agenda is ideal for avoiding scary new situations, or for accepting pain that otherwise suggests the need for a major life decision. The helper, of course, feels frustrated and will begin to avoid you. The helpless person is vindicated in the end by proving that nothing will work.
The helper offers suggestions that the helpless person shoots down, one after another. Yes But is ideal for maintaining helplessness. The injustices that they suffer always seem beyond solution. Ain’t It Awful is played by people who want to complain about their spouses, the legal system, their jobs.The person is implicitly saying, “Don’t ask me to do anything about all this pain, I’m not responsible.” There are variations of this agenda. The stories are about someone who is stuck, who tries but can’t escape, who endures without hope of remedy. The stories will focus on misfortune, injustice, and abuse. The alcoholic, or addict, or philandering spouse may emphasize an “I’m no good’ position as a way to head off rejection, and also use it as an excuse to not change. The basic statement of “I’m wrong, bad, damaged, stupid, boring, unlovable,” invites others to take pity on you. Nobody’s going to expect much of an incompetent This agenda can be the agenda of the depressed person. After all, how can you get angry at someone who’s already put themselves down? Its also used to get out of uncomfortable situations, or block demands or expectations. Sometimes its a strategy to ward off anger and rejection. It is also used to buy low-grade friendships. “You do that so well, I’m all thumbs.” “I wish I had your guts, “I’m too afraid.” This one-down position is used to get favors or compliments. More complex forms involve a kind of worship of smart, beautiful, or strong people. The simplest version of this agenda is flattery. Your family and friends feel threatened and put down by you, and they soon begin defensive maneuvers of their own. These agendas can give a boost to your self-esteem, but you pay a price. This game, also for spouses, is when each blames the other for a restricted, joyless life. The courtroom judge is usually played by a neighbor, therapist, or one of the children
This involves spouses who are each trying to prove how awful the other person is. You point out how hard you’ve been working, or how much you’ve given up with the implication that the other person is lazy or self-centered. There are several variations on this agenda: You’re always the one who does it right, who reasons clearly, who really cares. Every story is a variation on this theme. “Everyone’s stupid, incompetent, selfish, lazy, scared, and screwed up, but me. You prove you’re all right by showing how bad everyone else is. They get tired of seeing the same old mask. Consequently, it’s hard to get close to people because they only know you through the I’m Good agenda. It means that you don’t trust anyone with the parts of yourself that are less than wonderful. It’s a way of distorting yourself so that only very selected parts get seen. Some typical I’m Good messages are: I’m honest I’m hard working I’m courageous I’m loyal, I’m generous I’m ambitious I’m successful I’m powerful I’m strong I’m self-sacrificing I’m adventurous.Įveryone is a little phony, but the I’m Good agenda is more than that. If you want -the word out about your strength and generosity your stories do that you. If you want people to know about your wealth and power, your stories will tell them. Each story you tell highlights the attributes that you value most. In the end, they wall you off from the relief of being known and accepted for what you are. The agendas are adaptive and do serve a purpose, but they are ultimately maneuvers that isolate you from others. To promote your ulterior motives and needs.
In other words, the agenda becomes your strategy for coping with core feelings of inadequacy.Ģ. To build up and preserve your basic stance in the world.
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